New journal, new start...I hope

Men are all evil, selfish bitches.

That is all.

Current Mood: pissed

Now that i'm alone, and have had afew hours to think and listen to some much needed music, i'm finally starting to gain that mindset I had a few weeks ago. I've learned a lot, what to do, what never to do again, and possibly that i'm finally ready to move on. Maybe lol I say maybe because the sun never shines around me for very long..
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"Me, Myself and I" - Beyonce

All the ladies if you feel me, help me sing it out...

I can't believe i believed
Everything we had would last
So young and naive for me to think
She was from your past
Silly of me to dream of
One day having your kids
Love is so blind
It feels right when it's wrong

I can't believe i fell for four years
And i'm smarter than that
So young and naive to believe that with me
You're a changed man
Foolish of me to compete
When you cheat with loose women
It took me some time but now i moved on

Cuz i realized i got
Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

So controlling , you said that you love me
But you don't
Your family told me one day
I would see it on my own
Next thing i know i'm dealing
With your three kids and my home
I've been so blind
It feels right when it's wrong

Now that it's over
Stop calling me
Come pick up your clothes
No need to front like you're still with me
All your homies know
Even your very best friend
Tried to warn me on the low
It took me some time
But now i am strong

Because i realized i got
Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and i
That's all i got in the end
That's what i found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

Me myself and i
I know that i will never disappoint myself
All the ladies if you feel me
Help me sing it now
Ya, you hurt me
But i learned a lot along the way
After all the rain
You'll see the sun come out again
I know that i will never disappoint myself

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Beyonce - "Me, Myself & I"

Gawd. Is it too much to ask for to have a person with their own place to live, so that they don't smother the hell out of me? Someone who actually wants to be able to take care of themselves later in life? It's one thing to have motivation, but it's another to have motivation and do nothing with it. I guess he's happy having a mediocre life and saving money by renting a house with a roomate for the rest of his life. Always clinging to someone to help him stand on his own. I don't want that.

I'm going home for a day or so soon, I need time to clear my head and have a little alone time, to figure out what i'm going to do with myself, i'll either come back with a decision to stay here, or get an apartment at sam until jr year or so, and get a job to help pa with the house and etc here until i'm stable enough to come back. I'm looking forward to going home, having time to myself, and spending time with my family. Maybe I can catch up with a few friends while i'm there. A home-getaway.

Current Mood: optimistic

Yee Gads, Why oh ahy is it that I can never just have things remotely okay for more than a day? I'm so irritated right now I could just pack up and leave. I'm beginning to think it's impossible to be happy. Seriously. For me at least. Everyone else is okay, but I seem to be missing something or have left out a step, because I dont think everyone elses' life is supposed to be this way. I hate my location, I have no friend, I'm about to go return to a crappy ass job, the person i'm living with is an annoying, clingy, horndog MAN, and I couldn't be more discontent with life at this point. Worst part of all is that I have noone to call, or to call me and complain about it lol I have noone to go to who will understand and bitch with me. It's times like this I wish I had a girlfriend. I'm not talking about one like Bryany, I just have no emotion for her anymore except sadness and anger. I mean like Nikki. My ex nikki, who I dated a few years back was perfect. I could go to her without worry, nomatter what the time and magically she seemed to make everything okay. She never babied me, but she was like a friend. A friend with great benefits ;-) When I had a problem, she bitched and complained with me, and didn't try to cuddle it out of me every time. She was beautiful, funny, smart, sweet, she had goals, and she had the drive that I need in a person to keep me going. How I wish I had that now. While learning how to be dependent and driven by my own motivation, I need to be with someone to, well, look up to I guess. Someone already situated in life, or at least somewhat, who can show me what i'm doing wrong, give me drive. I have things to strive for, I just feel as though i'm in a rut and I can't get out. The person i'm with at the moment ahs NONE of that, no place to live (besides with me), no car, no drive, no blueprint for life, and that's what I need, besides a person who's funny, independent, and good looking. I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting on a show for him, basically telling/showing him what he wants to hear. I know that he's probably not the "one," and I admitted this to myself numerous times, but lately, he's got me sunk back in the same hole I was in when I was in Webster. Clinging onto him again, I feel like he's brainwashed me into thinking I need and have to have him again, when just a couple of weeks ago he was gone, for a while, and I was fine. Now i'm cuddly clingy again. I don't understand what's happening to me. I know it should be different.

Current Mood: Unhappy

i feel so incredibly shitty and theres nothing i can do about it, and noone to talk to about it who will understand. I want to go to another school, to the city. Where I can have an apartment and work, at say, the mall, or a fun job...I want to live somewhere there are things to do. Somewhere where just living doesn't make me want to end it all now. Yet im stuck here. I still have the same boyfriend who has somehow managed to "tame" me, meaning since I refuse to tell him to leave for some reason(s) I might as well make lemons of lemonade. I'm not sure if it's being here with him that's making everything terrible, or if it's that on top of everything else thats making my life miserable. I've thought about going back to shsu, but I dont have the means to.

It's so much fun when life as you know it slowly comes to an end. Im stuck here, no entertainment, broke, no friends, and noone to talk to. While everyone else is happy and doing what they want to do. Nice. Thanks God. You owe me an explanation, seriously. I guess i'll have to make lemonade out of crap. When life hands you lemons....throw them at people. I feel like wasting away.

Ok, so, I think he's gone again. and rather than making a desperate fool of myself chasing after him, i'm wondering if I should just let him go or not.
My mom made a comment that really plucked a string today, and it's been reverberating since. She said that women get the kind of man they see themselves in, and that if I wasn't trying, pulling my weight, and being successful, that's exactly the kind of person i'd end up with. Maybe she's right. I know I don't try, and I know things are screwy right now, but honestly when I met Mark I wasn't that way. I had just graduated at the top of my class, and had decent grades in my first summer of college. I was set for success. It's not like I WANTED something like that.
He thinks i'm trying to move without him and go back so SHSU, but that's not the case. It runs across my mind every day, some times longer than usual, but  I haven't made a decision or even done anymore researching about it.

I admit, I would like to live a lot cheaper of a life, and have life be smoother than it is now, but I don't think i'm going to get that. I do picture myself going to sam living in the arbors maybe, and going to class, making friends, and having extra money to shop, etc...
Or maybe even staying here in the house, having time to myself, going to class, having fun, having a little extra spending cash, maybe an overpayment lol But I don't think that will happen either.  Besides that, the main thing is not putting so much stress on my family, not having them take care of someone they barely even know, I know they're bothered and so am I. I'd like a person who can take care of themselves if they've been on their own as long a mark has. he's been a floater all his life.

I'm tired of doging bad happenings. The more I try and make things better, make myself relax, the more shit happens. This is awful.
I dont think it could get much worse without me getting evicted, or getting kicked out of college. I'm on acedemic probation next semester, i cant register for spring classes until january becasue I failed a remedial math, we're flat broke, and mark just left walking somewhere about 25 minutes ago, and when i asked him where he was going he said "out". I got accepted back to shsu on acedemic probation, but im debating whether or not to go. Would it be any easier there? Probably not. Bad luck and the like seem to follow me wherever I roam. Sad.

Current Mood: blah

i cannot stand boys. I really cant. I JUST got home from work, i'm tired, pmsing and i feel like crap already and here HE comes catching an attitude and being a asshole. I cant wait until he finally finds himself somewhere (else) to go.

Current Mood: pissed